I've always been sensitive. I secretly cry at movies. I say "secretly" because I do everything in my power to hide the tears, the sniffles and the red eyes. I don't like to let my husband see me cry, let alone anyone else. I hate when people see me cry. The only time it's not in my power to control it is when I laugh. Because for strange reason, some genetic defect I suppose, I ALWAYS cry when I laugh. Even if something isn't that funny. I don't know why that happens. Tell me something even remotely funny and the tears pour out. It's like I have some abundance of tears built up inside that they take any outlet they can get. I know. Weird.
It seems like my ability to hide the tears has completely fallen apart since I had my daughter. No one can get me going like she can. She just has to give me the quivering lip and that's it. I'm done. Tears for days. And it doesn't matter who sees. Why is that? People say she has "mamitis" (in English it's the same as "mommy-itis"...lol). Does that mean I have Ami-itis? Is it bad to be just as attached to her as she is to me? Will that make things worse for her in the future? The reason I'm talking about this today is because my daughter is staying with a new sitter, and she had such a hard time when I was getting ready to leave, that I lost it with her. For crying out loud (haha pun intended) I'm supposed to be strong, but I let my guard down. Her new sitter, Mary, is one of the sweetest and loving women I know. She is not only my best friend's sister, but she has TONS of experience with children so it's not like I left her with some stranger that I know nothing about! I've been spending many Fridays with Mary to help Ami get to know her. And it seemed like everything was going great. But today, it was hard. Once I began to say my good-bye's, Ami looked up at me and said "no". Then the tears started to flow. FROM BOTH OF US. I eventually handed her over to Mary, hoping to God that she wouldn't puke all over her from how hard she was crying, and walked out the door. Then I sobbed all the way to work. I felt horrible. I felt like I abandoned her. I hated seeing her face as I walked out the door. Reaching for me with tears, REAL tears, streaming down her face. Man it was tough. I finally pulled myself together and made it in to work. Luckily for me, I work with an amazing group of women who are supportive and consoling, and always open their arms to me. Same goes for them too. We just got it like that. So after talking with them about my morning and taking in all their great advice, I realized I did the right thing. I could have decided to bring her with me to work, but what good would that have done? It would help no one in the end. And I wouldn't have been able to get anything done anyway. :-)
My little one is doing fine now. My best friend sent me text with a photo of Ami sitting on her nephew's lap reading a book, and later sent a video of Ami dancing. So I know she'll be fine. I'm not sure who this was harder on, her or me. All I know is that I'm so looking forward to the end of my day and can't wait to swoop her up in my arms.
P.S. I know this is supposed to be a photography blog, so I promise the next post will have photos. :)
